THIS JUST IN: SAHW NOT WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE!
It's true. Being a Stay At Home Wife is NOT all about watching Judge Judy, eating bon bons, and playing Bridge with The Girls. In fact, sometimes it sucks most of the time.
It's five parts getting up every morning with The Husband (TH) to make coffee, pack his lunch, and kiss him goodbye, because you feel guilty about not having to work.
It's four thousand parts letting the dogs in and out and in and out and in and out and IN, DAMMIT, NOW!
It's ten parts laundry.
Seriously. How did I ever do all of this laundry AND hold a full time job?
Conversation this morning:
Me: You are NOT going to work in that shirt.
TH: Why not? I love this shirt. It's clean -- I found it. In. The. Laundry Room. On a hangar. (vague passive-aggressive reference to the fact that I don't always move clean laundry to the closet). (okay, i don't EVER move it -- I figure it's the least he can do. Besides, I love seeing his cute little butt scamper down to the laundry room every morning.)
Me: You are NOT wearing that shirt to work.
TH: [Grinning, all sexy-like] [displaying shirt proudly] I look HOT.
Me: It's not ironed. You look wrinkly.
TH: It's fine. Who will know?
Me: Me and everyone else who knows 100% cotton -- and remind me not to let you go shopping with a Macy's giftcard without me next time.
TH: It looks FINE, honey. Seriously. No one will know or care.
Me: *I* will know AND care! Wear another shirt -- there are 27 shirts in the closet which are ironed and/or don't need ironing AND are clean.
TH: I LOVE THIS SHIRT. Fine. [huff] I'll iron it.
Me: NO. You. Won't. Watching you iron is like watching a glass cleaner on the 45th floor of the Sears Tower. Either give it to me and I'LL IRON IT or pick something else
Dog: WOOF! whine... WOOF WOOF whine (OUT! NOW!)
TH: I don't have anything else to wear.
Me: What are these 27 shirts in your closet?
TH: I like this shirt better.
Me: Why do we keep them -- better yet, why do I ....
********** Dog: WOOF! ***********
Me: [opening door for 20th time that morning] ... as I was saying, why do you keep them?
TH: In case I need one someday. They're... okay. You know, in a pinch.
Me: Honey, today is
********** Dog: WOOF! LET ME IN ***********
Me: *sighing* [letting dog IN] ... today is, in fact, a "pinchy" kind of "SomeDay".
TH: [scowling, looking at 27 shirts] None of them go with my pants.
Me: PICK ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTS.
TH: These are the only dockers that aren't too short or too long.
Me: blink
blink blink
What about these other 14 pairs of dockers that I wash and iron on a regular basis?
TH: They're too short... or too long... or... well, this one has a mustard stain on it. [indignantly points out minuscule pin-size stain]
Me: Then why do you keep them?
TH: Because they're fine for GOLF. [Like I should know this.]
Me: Tell you what. Give me the shirt. I will iron it. Then I am going to remove ALL 27 OF THESE SHIRTS AND 14 OF THESE SLACKS AND GIVE THEM TO GOOD WILL. And then we're going shopping. And, oh by the way, you need new undies. Those are embarrassing.
TH: What's wrong with THESE -- they're FINE. [demonstrating how undies could only barely pass as a jock strap; cotton almost completely removed from the elastic band in the back]
Me: *sigh* You're right, honey. You look fine. Have a nice day.
Good times.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
Figured out how to make the snooze button 3 months long...
Still can't figure out how to make a title in this damn thing, so there you have it. And it's probably more like 6 months. I have been, for all intents and purposes, the Biggest Loser Blogger in all history -- I think that makes me a SBlooser -- kind of like a SPlunker. Without all that annoying equipment and muscle demand. I'm sure I'm not the first one to think of that.
I am entering month 6 of unemployment and I decided, what the heck. I'd rather do this than create Yet Another Custom Resume for a Job I Will Not Get (nor even be called or interviewed for).
Granted, I suppose you have to actually submit an application, but... LORD. What a tedious process. After a quarter of a century at the same company (my ONLY job), I am exceedingly out of practice when it comes to the art of finding a job. What's this Behavioral Interviewing nonsense. Rob? Andrea? Curves? Anyone? Bueler?
SO. You'd think, wouldn't you, that during all of this domestic downtime I would have learned to make The Perfect Meatloaf, installed custom closet shelving in all the bedrooms, painted the entire house, installed chair molding, and learned to make retro curtains out of faded bathtowels.
Uhm, no. Not so much, really.
I have learned that you CAN, in fact, read not one but TWO entire books in one day. (The only trick is to move around the couch frequently to avoid bedsores.) I have learned that people drive down our small, subdivision street doing 90 mph while singing Crazy by Gnarls Barley at the top of their lungs, which helps muffle the sound of the dog they have just eviscerated (thank God for small miracles, right?) I've learned that one can go several days without a shower if one is so inclined (one is, often). I've learned that I am really not a people person, unless you count Ellen, Oprah, and the handful of people I still IM with as Real People Interaction (screaming "OH GO TO H***, Oprah" probably doesn't count). I've learned that just because it seems like a good idea to shop at Kroger at 8:00am on Tuesday, there is only one checkout person and you have to negotiate around the Veggie Guy, the Bread Guy, the Meat Guy, and the Pop Guy, all of whom are inevitably stocking groceries which you would like to purchase.
I've learned that All The Stocking Guys are not "People People". They're crabby morning people who hate their jobs.
I've learned that I really love my dogs and yet... I really don't want to be with them 24/7. Maybe not even 14/7. Maybe just when I get home from work for about 10 minutes. Then I would like them to go away. I've learned that my dogs can go in and out of the front door 3,400,566,999 times a day if so inclined. I've learned that they are, in fact, inclined.
Perhaps the highlight of this week was sitting on the porch having a smoke when a gentleman walked up the driveway (while Bella tried to dismember him -- brave guy) and asked if "My Mom" was home. I said no. He left.
I have to remember that.
Still can't figure out how to make a title in this damn thing, so there you have it. And it's probably more like 6 months. I have been, for all intents and purposes, the Biggest Loser Blogger in all history -- I think that makes me a SBlooser -- kind of like a SPlunker. Without all that annoying equipment and muscle demand. I'm sure I'm not the first one to think of that.
I am entering month 6 of unemployment and I decided, what the heck. I'd rather do this than create Yet Another Custom Resume for a Job I Will Not Get (nor even be called or interviewed for).
Granted, I suppose you have to actually submit an application, but... LORD. What a tedious process. After a quarter of a century at the same company (my ONLY job), I am exceedingly out of practice when it comes to the art of finding a job. What's this Behavioral Interviewing nonsense. Rob? Andrea? Curves? Anyone? Bueler?
SO. You'd think, wouldn't you, that during all of this domestic downtime I would have learned to make The Perfect Meatloaf, installed custom closet shelving in all the bedrooms, painted the entire house, installed chair molding, and learned to make retro curtains out of faded bathtowels.
Uhm, no. Not so much, really.
I have learned that you CAN, in fact, read not one but TWO entire books in one day. (The only trick is to move around the couch frequently to avoid bedsores.) I have learned that people drive down our small, subdivision street doing 90 mph while singing Crazy by Gnarls Barley at the top of their lungs, which helps muffle the sound of the dog they have just eviscerated (thank God for small miracles, right?) I've learned that one can go several days without a shower if one is so inclined (one is, often). I've learned that I am really not a people person, unless you count Ellen, Oprah, and the handful of people I still IM with as Real People Interaction (screaming "OH GO TO H***, Oprah" probably doesn't count). I've learned that just because it seems like a good idea to shop at Kroger at 8:00am on Tuesday, there is only one checkout person and you have to negotiate around the Veggie Guy, the Bread Guy, the Meat Guy, and the Pop Guy, all of whom are inevitably stocking groceries which you would like to purchase.
I've learned that All The Stocking Guys are not "People People". They're crabby morning people who hate their jobs.
I've learned that I really love my dogs and yet... I really don't want to be with them 24/7. Maybe not even 14/7. Maybe just when I get home from work for about 10 minutes. Then I would like them to go away. I've learned that my dogs can go in and out of the front door 3,400,566,999 times a day if so inclined. I've learned that they are, in fact, inclined.
Perhaps the highlight of this week was sitting on the porch having a smoke when a gentleman walked up the driveway (while Bella tried to dismember him -- brave guy) and asked if "My Mom" was home. I said no. He left.
I have to remember that.
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